AP Lit
"What about this one? 'Peter passed poop. Paul.'" - Dustin "[Long pause] Right, anyway..." - Mr. J
"We got pulled over... were were sodomizing small animals." - Dustin "No you weren't." - Mr. J ""We were like, 'No, the gerbils, get 'em out!'" - Dustin "You didn't tell me the truth, and you told me something really inappropriate." - Mr. J
"Poe's an idiot."
"'You're ridiculass,' that's great." - Mr. J
"Because we got distracted by certain comments from the peanut gallery about sex acts..." - Mr. J
"You must have hemophilia with your words." Mr. J "Logophilia."
"If most of what you're reading is true, and you're supposed to believe this really random crap..." - Jeff
"I would like to report a theft." - Mrs. Pearson "Oh, really, is it of Sigmund Freud's head?!?" - Mr. J
"Georgi's penis broke off all he's got is balls and wings now."
"People seem to think that they can treat my crap like crap." - Mr. J
"Dustin, don't climb on things when people are here that don't know you."
"Which one was wroted first?"
"...a B backwards... would kind of tie them together..." - Jeff "What the hell are you talking about?" - Mr. J
"You look like a Fruit Gusher, stop!"
"Dude, I work with so many gay people, it's so much fun."
"Does it run in the family? Look at him being all problematic over there in the corner."
"That was stupid." "You're laughing." - Mr. J "It's still funny." "No it's not." - Mr. J
"The pages are going to go mmm." "But we don't know how much is going to go mmm."
"What's your pin?" "Optimus Prime." "Gay." "Gay."
"I enjoy irony because it makes my bones strong." - Dustin
"Why are you playing with my Freud?" - Mr. J
"Britney Spears is a waste of space." - Mr. J "She has big boobs." "Oh my word." - Mr. J
"He's unsound... they want to put him in a little box of crazy." - Mr. J
"'You better Belize this?'" - Mr. J "Yeah, there's one of those." - Kate
"Can you know an author through their texts?" - Mr. J "Like, text messages?"
"Gratifying for you as a teacher. That I've ruined your reading, Marissa." - Mr. J
"She goes, 'I'm lame, I didn't want to tell anybody, I'm embarrassed to be smart.'" "I knew it!"
"We know what 'redeemed means! Jesus..." "That's ironic. 'We know what 'redeemed' means. Jesus.'" - Mr. J
"I don't know what happened, probably you not reading." - Mr. J
"Her and my mom just team up on me and my dad and just beat the crap out of us emotionally." - Dustin
"Maybe it was the heroin I injected into my system right before I read your text."
"Don't mope." - Mr. J "I'm tired." "I don't want to hear it." - Mr. J
"It's like Twelve Angry Men." "Come again?" "Don't come again."
"Therapy is fun, I highly recommend it." - Mr. J
"I do stuff all the time, I just get out of it."
[Dustin leaves] "Wow, I didn't expect that. I won't complain, though. Maybe we'll get something done today." - Mr. J "I will oppose that, Mr. Johnson." - Jeff
"Did he just flash somebody?" "I don't think it's called 'flashing.'" "It's called 'mooning.'"
"What if I'm afraid to show my true personality so I hide behind a cloud of jokes?" - Dustin
"I have hieroglyphs on my arm."
"This isn't even my book, you freakin' idiot." - Mr. J "Read it, read it!" "No... you took out my Post-It? You're gonna die." - Mr. J
"Alright, shut up, homies, here's the deal." - Mr. J
"Sammi, you got possessed." "No, I"m not possessed!" - Sammi
"Love of poetry skips a generation... it's a recessive gene or something."
"Good one, Zachary." - Jeff "Not ok." - Mr. J
"Can you please tell me what page that's on so I can show you why she's speaking ironically there?" - Mr. J
"Did you just have her shooting up LSD?" - Mr. J
"My wife's into Christian Bale, too. If we ever meet Christian Bale... never mind." - Mr. J
"It's too bad Kate's not here... let's mock Kate... for probably doing the research." - Mr. J
"Of course, but there are all sorts of things that are questionable but acceptable." - Mr. J
"I'm the kind of person that needs to be held at a distance and ignored to feel that I'm in a real relationship." - Mr. J
"Someone gave me another Frankenstein gummy thingy."
"I have remarked that image, and it's perfect, so it makes me very happy to read." - Mr. J
"Guys, if you take it for granted, it's no longer sexy." - Mr. J
"Can you please close your legs?"
"Dude, he did! I'm going to kill him... no, it's not worth it." - Mr. J
"Where's Brennin?" "Did you read her MySpace bulletin?... well, then, I'm not going to say anything."
"If we analyzed all the other things that I almost say, we'd be here all day." - Mr. J
"Your paper is like Frankenstein's monster, man. Each paragraph is, like, stitched together."
"I saw Public Enemy live. I wan in the front row." - Mr. J "Did you get shot?" "I sprained my ankle." - Mr. J
"If I had blond hair, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to compare it to ripe corn."
"Some of you used sources about Victorian England in your papers that were supposed to be about Georgian England. Anyway..." - Mr. J
"Why don't you like Mulan or any Disney movie?" "Sammi, you're missing the point. Disney is the devil. Anyway..."
"You guys are a mess, you guys are worse than my sophomores." - Mr. J
"[Beep]" "That's Schneider, he's asking how much I weigh, I'm going to have to tell him the bad news." - Mr. J "Let me guess, 332..." "232." "224.8" "What kind of scale are you using?" "Do you want to die?" - Mr. J
"He lives in fairytale land, he should know the rules of travel."
"He just rides along like a hottie."
"Because you want to know why Lancelot is so, like, whatever." - Mr. J
"One-two kick aren't even here."
"There is no 'just a little heroin."
"Someone seems to have stolen my chair."
"It smells like girl in here."
"Pardon me for smoking crack." - Mr. J "You want some?" "You might want to talk to me about that later." - Mr. J
"Oh, you're late." "I'm not in this class..."
"It's like 1 out of 10 things that come out of your mouth redeems you. Ugh! It drives me crazy!" - Mr. J
"You know where the word 'labia' comes from?... it's Latin for 'lips.'" - Mr. J "Oh the only episode of Nip Tuck I saw..."
"Dustin, Zach... what the hell is wrong with people.. I'm going to kick you in the knee." - Mr. J
"That's ridiculous! 'I get a tingle in my silly place?'... that's the worse single line of lyric I have ever heard." - Mr. J
""We only have 40 minutes... this is the shortest college class I've had in my life." - Mr. J "Just because we're not very tall..." - Dustin
"Does it look to you like I'm about to go commit a crime, because I feel like it."
"We were talking to the Nelsonator, you can ask him if you want." - Jeff "I don't care enough." - Mr. J
"Her life is flashing before her ears."
"It's not pee, it's, like, somebody's..." "It looks like cockroach guts."
"You can't not get porn if you take off the SafeSearch."
"Someone wrote a grocery list on my 10 dollar bill."
"She said, 'Go tell the beautician you want to look like Posh Spice.'"
"I'm not really sure if I'm going to say exactly what you just said, because I was talking to Dustin, but..." - Jeff
"Don't wink at me ever again... you always ruin you good thoughts, like, with winks." - Mr. J
"Can we have a scrabble tournament in AP Lit?" "That would be awesome... in May, we'll throw down." - Mr. J
"I just feel like rainy days, like, resonate with my soul." - Mr. J
"Never say that the sun should stop shining. That's bad."
"What's lost or gained with communication being what it is in this novel." - Mr. J "Time?" "Brain cells."
"When he was writing the letter and she was like right there. I thought that was really cute." "I found it really retarded."
"It's like Katmario... Mr. Elliot is Anne's spiky block." - Dustin
"Can you even name something T.S. Eliot wrote?" - Mr. J"Chronicles of Narnia., Mr. Sir. Oh, wait..." - Jeff
"Can regular people go to the Library of Congress?" "Yes." - Mr. J "Let's go this weekend, OMG!"
"I was thinking about putting together an out-of-school field trip." - Mr. J "Oh, that would be sweet, I would love to go to a library."
"Dude, you kill my kid... yeah... bad things will happen." - Mr. J
"It's my kid." - Mr. J "Hi!" "How'd that happen? Did she have a C-section?" "Yeah... haw far back you wanna go?" - Mr. J
"Moist... why don't you like that word?" "It makes me feel funny inside." - Mr. J
"You'd kill 'em? You need so much help, I don't even know where to start with you." - Mr. J
"I can't even understand what you're saying in your stupid gay voice." - Mr. J
"Look at the teachers, they're freakin' huge... there's like 4 teachers that don't need to lose weight." - Mr. J
"Incidentally, I experienced my first hangover in Lyme on the cob... he got me a little bit toasted." - Mr. J
"You would have to have a lightning bolt come out of heaven and strike your test in order for you to get a [at least] 3 on your test." - Mr. J
"You're about to get the Steven Colbert award for being sent out of class for distracting me from my point." - Mr. J
"They want you to write in a way that feels like college." - Mr. J
"Have a seat in a real, actual, where you're supposed to sit." - Mr. J
"Poetry is great, because they're little snacks of language." - Mr. J
"Jo-mama-ji."
"With some hesitancy, I'm going to ring this bell for you." - Mr. J
"He didn't leave me with nothin'. I know that's a double negative, just work with me."
"We don't want a good definition of 'ambiguity' because then it wouldn't be ambiguous." - Mr. J
"Gifted was so retarded."
"I'm going to raise my kids in the wilderness."
"I don't make them pay for food too... I'm so getting fired."
"I tried. Half-heartedly." - Dustin "That pretty much sums up your effort in this class, doesn't it, Dustin?" - Mr. J
"Here is an article, and some nice person didn't take the green paper out of the copy machine." - Mr. J
"That's Matt, he used the word 'cursory.'"
"Can you take us out of other classes?" "Yes, yes, please, next hour..."
"How can you make the conclusion not boring?" - Mr. J "Not write it."
"I can't hit it [the apple] with the thing [the sword]."
"'Bodies of nigger wenches'? Is that a fact?" - Mr. J
"Please don't try to be any weirder than you actually are." - Mr. J
"I think my instructions on the first one were..." - Mr. J "Don't suck."
"You're perturbed because I made you get a pass?... happy frickin birthday!" - Mr. J
"Where is everybody?" - Mr. J "They all dropped this class."
"There's a bar in between Florida and Alabama. It's called 'Floribama.'"
"Or they left and they really weren't here but they were here."
"Eminem's a frickin idiot." - Mr. J
"What's a 'sexton'?" "The garbage man."
"I do have some Frankenstein papers to give back..." - Mr. J "Oh no." "Oh gosh."
"Your participation grade might get better if you sit up with the rest of the class." - Mr. J "It didn't." - Me "Ooh, served!"
"We have beaten Emily Dickinson to death... we have flogged her severely." - Mr. J
"Did you know about it ahead of time?" "Maybe..."
"I had my wisdom teeth out, that is way worse than making a bonsai tree."
"I congratulated you, and then I slapped you."
"He fell off the tractor and got cut in half? Now I gotta see this movie... a man gets cut in half, that's hilarious." - Mr. J
"I just tried to put two sentences together with two parts of my brain and it didn't work." - Mr. J
"I'm not contributing to class because I think it's stupid."
"His male unit is kind of like your hat." "[takes off hat]"
"I hate Jack Johnson, he's a pussy... flippin' 'banana pancakes.'" - Mr. J
"I freakin' hate James Blunt... he needs to encounter a blunt object." - Mr. J
"We have at some point this really important passage that I keep forgetting to find..." - Mr. J
"It's kind of irrelevantly relevant..."
"Does it have Hugh Grant in it?" - Mr. J "Yes." "Then I will never see it, because I hate that simpering, bastard." - Mr. J
"It doesn't go much lower than calling somebody 'Dustin'..."
"Dustin's not here, we actually might finish [our discussion]." - Mr. J "It's sad without him." "No, it's not." - Mr. J
"Because we like to worship our interpretations, we put that in the literature box." - Mr. J
"Dude, that's, like, the best line from literature ever."
"It's called 'cheating and plagiarism,' and there's, like, a bunch of stuff in the handbook about it." - Mr. J
"If you walk out of here, I can't promise you what's going to happen." - Mr. J
"He wouldn't be 'honest Iago,' he would be, 'don't believe a word that guy says.'" - Mr. J
"I swear, if I have to hear that one more time this semester, you're getting an F." - Mr. J
"He wouldn't get his rocks off and then kill her." - Mr. J
"He does this whole little dainty, crap, thing." - Mr. J
"Othello's blackness is central to what happens." - Mr. J
"There'll be no boinking in this classroom." - Mr. J
"She'll get tired of his big, black, self." - Mr. J
"Iago plays Othello, like, something that you play... plays him like a slave, that's great, Dustin." - Mr. J
"Hey, dudes, you just totally stole all our answers."
"We can watch it from this view." "No... we might have to." - Mr. J
"I have an idea, homeboy."
"The problem is 'Antonio Banderas Perôn' is not in this class..." - Mr. J
"That's a number. In Russia."
"I don't give a flying..." - Mr. J "Flying what?"
"By the way, you're fired. Smiley face."
"The Castle Theater is defunct... the screen was about the size of a postage stamp." - Mr. J
"'She's not paranoiac, but her life is paranoia.' What the hell does that mean?" - Mr. J
"I can't even read that... but actually, it's kind of like Anna's." - Mr. J
"I just scared someone and I didn't know who it was." - Dustin "Did you say you hate them?" "No... it was some freshman girl." - Dustin
"We need to, you know, be precise." - Mr. J
"'Soundless as poop on a Disc of Snow'... you can put any monosyllabic word in there." - Mr. J
"Jeff, the slack I've been cutting you ain't gonna be cut much longer." - Mr. J
"Upon reading it for the first time during Spanish class last hour..." - Jeff
"You should probably go to the doctor... he'll help you with pills." - Mr. J
"Mine was short, he found a really long version... now there's two." - Dylan
"Have you ever seen one of his 'happy trees'?" "He painted very pedestrian..."
"What paper's due tomorrow?" - Brennin "Oh Brennin..." - Marissa
"Heh heh heh, awesome. The mountain is the devil." - Mr. J
"Oh my goodness, yet another big fat question. Yet another why-is-she-doing-this thing." - Mr. J
"The 'isn't-that-odd'-ness of Dickinson." - Mr. J
"Good job failing physics, chief."
"Get your heads out of your butts, we're doing some AP." - Mr. J
"Have you ever seen 'Merlin's Chamber of Naked Secrets'?" "What is your problem?" - Mr. J
"You are what you eat." "You must eat a lot of crap."
"Jeff said, 'Whoo!,' and Zach said, 'Tisk.'" - Dustin
"Your buttons are un-pushable. You don't even have buttons." - Mr. J
"You're so artisan you can't even read." - Mr. J
"I added you as a Facebook friend, Mr. Johnson." "I noticed that, I didn't accept you, though... I probably will." - Mr. J
"Can you ceremonially kick Matt out of class, please?" - Mr. J
"I know a movie that contains William Faulkner's brother in it... can we watch it?"
"They're 'up there in Antarctica?' Are you mentally challenged?" - Mr. J
"No, no 'real people' test." - Mr. J
"Everyone in this room is now dumber for your plan." - Nelson
"You still need to talk to me 8th hour." - Mr. J "Okay. Peace, brother." "Don't ever call me your brother again." - Mr. J
"Ten percent, like you can quantify someone's autism." - Mr. J
"An artistic pothead, that's great." - Mr. J
"Don't ever wink at me again, especially after I just said 'sexual attraction.'" - Mr. J
"And then we had an SAT sentence." - Mr. J
"I used to know how to spell my name... I know that this was a Y." "That's a J..."
"You buy that hogey schlock? Get out of my classroom!" - Mr. J
"If I could personally find Ethan Hawk and slap him across the face... he's... a bunch of words I can't say." - Mr. J "What was he in?" "A bunch of movies that would have been better if he hadn't been in them." - Mr. J
"If I didn't hear of it, Faulkner couldn't have heard of it."
"I'm going to be the arbiter... the arbitrator of this discussion." - Mr. J
"You are an idiot... sometimes I wonder if you were dropped as a child... I'm going to call your mother and ask." - Mr. J
"Guys, have you been bringing in..." "Yeah." "No."
"They said it on Sponge Bob." "Yeah, so that makes it alright."
"Who has Vardaman?... Oh darn, we're screwed."
"Dude, if you break that, I'm going to have Suiter come and kill you." - Mr. J
"I think in italics, I don't know about you..."
"It's super sexual, but it's really good." - Mr. J
"You've got a paper coming up. You've really gotta do this paper, like, for real." - Mr. J
"That image just makes me want to hunt down Faulkner and steal his brain." - Mr. J
"Poets are just lazy authors who don't want to write a book."
"You have to turn in your homework to me... the thing with the irony thing." - Mr. J "It's in your locker." "Yep, it's definitely in my locker [leaves room]." "I don't think she did it."
"When was the light bulb invented?" "Thomas Edison."
"She's trying to chill you or, like, take the top of your head off." - Mr. J
"He's my buddy." "He's stupid."
"Are you dumb? Do you lack sense?" - Mr. J "Have you ever met him before?" - Marissa
"It was sort of an inner grumbling." - Mr. J
"Why do all the students in my room steal my stinkin' chalk?" - Mr. J "Probably because they know you'll react like that."
"Some of you missed out on a very exciting review of how to write more better." - Mr. J
"Dustin, do you think we could both fit into that sweater and learn?"
"Fish don't have scales. She's not knowledgeable."
"Has anyone been to an art museum." - Mr. J "Um..." - Kate "We've been to the Louvre, Kate... we've been to, like, the art museum..." - Marissa
"Here you go, dudes! [hands them papers] You missed out on, like, some super profound stuff." - Mr. J
"Alright, Dustin, I'll write you a pass. Don't do it again." - Mr. J
"I know that was a terrible place to say that, but I don't care."
"That's a disgusting description to apply to a human being, and it's absolutely unacceptable in my classroom... I have to set a precedent." - Mr. J
"Alanis Morissette can come over and do my laundry for me... no I wouldn't pay her... I would hang her from her ribs." - Mr. J
"Then you have the sarcasm like when I say, 'You guys are really awesome.'" - Mr. J
"Generally I have a hard time trusting people that don't understand irony." - Mr. J
"You would own another person?" - Mr. J "Think about the advantages!"
"Can we try opium to see what it's like?" "And see if we can write this?" "We should try opium before the AP test."
"If you want me to explain to your parents the pedagogical value of you getting a C in my class, I will." - Mr. J "The what value?"
"You need to be able to get bad grades." - Mr. J
"She's been cheating the whole time." "Nuh uh, that's crap and a half..." - Erin
"They're all failing... but that's 'cause they don't turn crap in." - Mr. J
"Can I make a comment? That drier takes forever."
"That's pretty pathetic. When my junior class beat the senior class..." - Mr. J
"Dustin, move away from her, forever." - Mr. J "He was like sniffing you."
"He's a crappy god, he sucks as god."
"A kinky, slutty gay person is 'skeezy.'"
"[Your papers] didn't suck. We're going to get there." - Mr. J
"The wrong volume is in the drive." - Windows error message
"It doesn't mean that the supernatural motion has an IEP." - Mr. J
"You can see the drugs in this poem, can you not?" - Mr. J
"Some Coleridge knowleridge." - Mr. J
"It's like PETA. It's something that you think would be positive, if they didn't suck so much." - Jeff
"'Lodging.' That's like a DnD word." - Mr. J
"We have gut feelings, we don't have entrail feelings." - Mr. J
"One time he punched a Jesus doll in the face." "It's not like it's really Jesus."
"Who is that, anyway?" "Some hot chick." "I noticed."
"They just know that I'm, like, hardcore." - Mr. J
"Can I offer you some heart attack? I'm offering it to all of my teachers." - Jeff
"It's easy to pick on Hitler because he's crazy and dead." - Mr. J
"They're divorced from the real whatever of it." - Mr. J
"He's like the Michael Jordan of matadors." - Mr. J
"I of course find it ironic that they've used a French phrase on this Spanish website." - Mr. J
"God would be like, 'dang it, Jeff, you didn't write your inter-chapters,' and then the world explodes." - Dustin
"Teachers, if you have an intercom problem, it's not working in your room, please come to the office." - Office